Her Dad Did This Her Entire Life - Interview with Abby Vaughn | EP 12

What happens when the very person meant to protect you becomes your abuser? In this raw and powerful episode, Abby courageously shares her story of surviving years of sexual abuse by her father while growing up in a seemingly devout Christian home.

From the outside, her family appeared normal – attending church regularly and even participating in ministry activities. Behind closed doors, however, a dark reality unfolded as her father used manipulation, isolation, and threats to maintain control and silence. Through tears and occasional moments of surprising humor, Abby reveals how she navigated this impossible situation and the psychological effects of living with such profound betrayal.

The turning point came at age 19 when, after a particularly violent incident, she found unexpected strength to disclose the abuse to her brother. What followed was nothing short of miraculous – within a single day of reporting to police, her father turned himself in and confessed. This swift resolution set her on a path toward healing that would transform her life.

Abby doesn't shy away from discussing the complicated aftermath of coming forward, including rebuilding her relationship with her mother, finding authentic faith, and eventually reaching a place where forgiveness became possible. Her journey demonstrates how speaking truth, even when terrifying, can lead to freedom beyond imagination.

For anyone trapped in abuse, questioning their worth, or struggling to believe healing is possible, this episode offers a powerful reminder that you are not alone. God can orchestrate freedom in ways we cannot imagine, and there is always a way out. If Abby's story resonates with you, please reach out to someone you trust or contact local authorities – your breakthrough might be one brave conversation away.

Chapters

• 0:00 Podcast Introduction
• 8:35 Growing Up in a Divided Household
• 19:36 The Pattern of Abuse Begins
• 35:45 Manipulation and Control Tactics
• 54:13 The Turning Point at Age 19
• 1:11:21 Going to the Police and Escaping
• 1:26:20 The Father's Confession and Arrest
• 1:35:05 Rebuilding Family Relationships
• 1:41:34 Finding Forgiveness and Faith
• 1:49:58 Speaking in Tongues and Spiritual Growth
• 1:53:25 Final Words of Encouragement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Before we get into today's video, I just wanted to say thank you to all of the new subscribers. If you haven't yet consider subscribing, hit that bell notification so that you can see every time I put out a new video. A major portion of you that watch my videos haven't subscribed yet, so why not? It's free. You can also find a PayPal link below if you want to give a one-time or give a monthly to support the channel. Anything, great or small, is appreciated. Now let's get into the video. What's up everybody?

Speaker 1: 0:34

Welcome to another episode of Faith and Failure. There's nothing better than having a guest and they start uncontrollably laughing at my intro. But let's go ahead and get that on camera right now. So, um, today I have with me a very special guest. She has here recently. She has started doing a a phenomenal job in our young adults and she has stepped up in a big way and she has shared with me and my wife, uh, both privately and and with other people publicly, uh, her story as far as what she has gone through, the kind of the origin story of, of, kind of what happened to you, what, what went on and then how god has brought you through. So, um, first of all, thank you for coming on the podcast. You're welcome. Uh, so, without giving really anything away, if you don't mind, you tell people your name, where you're from, kind of where you grew up. Kind of give the the backstory of your backstory, if that makes sense okay, so my name is abby.

Speaker 2: 1:41

Um, I grew up here in longview like all my life. I was born here, never moved or anything, Homeschooled all my life so from kindergarten through graduation and just grew up in a family of four with my mom, my dad and then my brother and then me, and been to church all my life. I mean, it's very basic precursor to the actual main gist of my life, I guess now, when you grew up, we said you grew up in church your whole life.

Speaker 1: 2:16

Does that mean that you, like your mom and dad, your your grandparents everybody went to the same church? What did it look like?

Speaker 2: 2:24

okay, well, okay. So my mom came from like a pentecostal family, and then my dad came from a baptist family.

Speaker 1: 2:30

Explain what pentecostal is for those that don't know silly.

Speaker 2: 2:35

No, no, no, no, um charismatic. That's how I know it as charismatic charismatic's a good, a good explanation. Yeah, yeah, I definitely was more on the Baptist side. So by the time that I was born, my whole family so me, my mom, dad and then my brother were going to a Baptist church.

Speaker 1: 2:54

Now you said you've made the distinction between the two. So, as a person who was in a house divided by the two, when someone that, what does that mean to you, what that look like for you? As far as you say, my mom was pentecostal, my dad was baptist. What's the difference in those two categories? Oh, okay basic stuff you know you don't have to go, yeah, I guess.

Speaker 2: 3:18

Well, the theological discussion on I don't have a theological definition. My definition was like pentecostal was always like legalistic to me, like super long hair, don't cut it skirts.

Speaker 2: 3:30

For the women, not the men For the women yes, definitely not the men Like if I would visit like a Pentecostal church with my mom because her side of the family is still pentecostal like it's like wear the, wear the jean long skirt, have your hair, you know, down, don't, don't do makeup like my grandma on my mom's side doesn't like makeup. No piercings, no tattoos, stuff like that. Um, and then when it came to like the baptist side, it was just a little less legalistic. Women can wear pants, they don't have to wear skirts all the time.

Speaker 2: 4:05

But my grandparents on my dad's side, which is where the Baptist stuff came from, were still kind of, I guess, professional. I don't know, you need to dress nice for church, wear your Sunday best. Still not big on the tattoos, not so much the ear piercings, but don't have a ton, just stuff like that. The Pentecostal side was more legalistic and the Baptist side was you know, the Pentecostals get up and run through the aisles and the Baptists don't do anything, but they sit there and they listen for an hour and a half and then they go home.

Speaker 1: 4:37

Yeah, so Okay. So what was that like living in a house that was kind of divided in that way?

Speaker 2: 4:46

Interesting. My mom definitely fell more on the Baptist side by the time I was old enough to really recognize it, but it was just weird.

Speaker 1: 4:59

So, on the Baptist and Pentecostal side, what was it? Was your mom just kind of like, giving in to like, okay, well, I'm not going to divide the house, I'm going to be the, I'm going to unify the house by coming to church? Or did her beliefs change? Did they kind of? Or were you old enough to even know the difference? There may be a question for her.

Speaker 2: 5:18

You may not know, but yeah, I mean, I can't say exactly what she felt about it, I don't know, but I think it was like my family, we all, we all grew up in church. But, like we explain this, we went to church, we did the Baptist thing. You know, you go to church, you sit there, you quiet, you come home and stuff, and then I would go to like a wanna, if you know what I want to is like wednesday, um, and you know, do all the churchy things, but we weren't like super, actually christian.

Speaker 2: 5:55

I guess it sounds a little extreme you were churchgoers, yes, but you weren't like christ followers, yeah I feel like that's a better way to put it, and so with, like, my mom coming from the pentecostal side, I feel like her just kind of going more baptist with it was a way to just go along with my dad I feel like.

Speaker 2: 6:19

and then, of course, like I said, it's like we would go to church and we would do all the thing, but but we weren't really Christ followers. While we did it, we looked like it from the outside Like I've memorized all the scripture and like most people, but when you get home it's like okay what did we? Even talk about in the sermon. Oh, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. I was thinking about what I was going to have for lunch.

Speaker 2: 6:42

I went to church, paying attention, I was thinking about what I was gonna have for lunch. Like I went to church what more do you want? Yeah, like I, I sat there and I heard them talk and I fell asleep a little bit and then I came home like I was there, I was what did I talk about, jesus? Jesus was mentioned that one time like what, what am I supposed to know about him? He was there. That now your entire childhood from.

Speaker 1: 7:08

Did you stay? You said, growing up, when you finally got to to the age to where you actually knew what was going on, you were going to a Baptist church. And just for clarity, we're not knocking Baptist people. This is just your story and explanation of what's going on.

Speaker 2: 7:20

So just like cracking jokes, but no, no dogging anybody offended.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Don't be a bunch of Karens, all right, so sorry, uh. Now, when was it that? Did you continue your entire life in church, or was there? When was it that you stopped going to church? So um or was it a personal thing, or was it a family thing to stop going?

Speaker 2: 7:44

Okay, so we, as far as I can remember from you know, when I was old enough to recognize that we were going to church, that's, we just always went. There were times where we paused, where we kind of you know church surfed, I guess, looking for different ones. We always kind of ended up at the same Baptist church, though, and so we just went throughout my life with those little pauses, but we never, really like stopped, stopped going, like there was never a time where we're like, oh, we didn't go for like three years, and then we started going again. It was just kind of on and off of like we know we should go to church even if we don't want to. I'm gonna drag my feet and grumble all the way there, yeah, but then when I get there, i'm'm going to be like, oh hi, I couldn't wait to be here today and everything's great.

Speaker 1: 8:28

You got the church attitude.

Speaker 2: 8:30

Thanks for saying you like my dress. I really didn't want to put it on, but oh, I'm kidding Slip of the mouth. You know I love being here. You know that's so amazing. That's just how it went.

Speaker 1: 8:41

And so what was your? Okay? So we're going to kind of. We got a little bit of backstory you were in church but not churched.

Speaker 2: 8:50

Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Yeah, okay, what was the? You did not tell me what we can talk about and what we can't talk about. Do you realize that?

Speaker 2: 9:00

I do realize this.

Speaker 1: 9:01

Okay, so you go where you want to go and then I'll ask questions after you open that door.

Speaker 2: 9:06

That's great. Does that make sense?

Speaker 1: 9:07

Yes, that's fine. So, timeline wise, where do you want to start and what do you want to talk about?

Speaker 2: 9:13

Oh Lord, I feel like anything I say is just going to be like jumping like straight off the like deep end.

Speaker 1: 9:22

That's okay. I mean, we got a little foundation yeah.

Speaker 2: 9:25

Okay, okay. So we got that. We went to church all the time out of the way. We were going to church. We knew about Jesus, but we didn't know Jesus. So my dad was very back and forth about the Lord. Um, and of course we know from the bible you should, the man you know, the husband, the dad, supposed to be the head of the household? Yeah, what happens when the head of your household is flip-flopping around like a fish out of water? Lots of things happen, yeah um.

Speaker 2: 9:59

So we're going to church, um, and while we're going to church, um, and while we're going to church and everything looks fine and we drag our feet and we get there, we're putting on this face like, hey, everybody, everything's great. Um, we were my family was kind of involved in ministry not my mom, but I helped in children's church with my brother, cause my grandparents on my dad's side did children's church.

Speaker 1: 10:25

And your brother's older than you. Right, yes, by how much.

Speaker 2: 10:31

He was born in 2000. I was born in 2003. So three years Easy to take a minute. We all struggle with something. I struggle with math. Okay, that's fair, that's fair, fair. So we were all involved. My dad, you know, he's taught a couple sermons. Uh, for a small time he ran his own church. Um, and that was dad did.

Speaker 1: 11:02

Yes, I did not know that yeah, he did um.

Speaker 2: 11:04

I don't remember it much, I was really young but, he did for a while. He ran, uh a church out of a pizza place honestly, they let us use their like party room and so he had a church and we had the projector and uh guitar and we had song service and he would do sermons.

Speaker 1: 11:20

Was he a? Was it a extension of the baptist belief or just did his own thing?

Speaker 2: 11:25

I think it was a thing like I guess if you would describe it as anything from what I remember is probably non-denominational leaning baptist, like it wasn't really a branch of anything. He was just like we're having a church here and people came and then it lasts.

Speaker 1: 11:40

I don't know how long it lasted but how long when he started doing that, do you remember?

Speaker 2: 11:43

I don't. I've long it lasted, but it didn't last. How old were you when he started doing that? Do you remember? I don't.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I'm tempted to say like four or five. I was really little, so this was like a long time ago. So you wouldn't remember what made him decide to do something like that he would get on kicks of things, so like you get on a church kick. Well, I'm all about church.

Speaker 2: 12:01

My whole life stated to christ.

Speaker 1: 12:02

Oh, but it I'm on that kick right now. What is your kick? Church kick, well that's, yeah, I really like your church kick should be your lifelong kick yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen next, but I just I've loved around that right now um, I've, that's awesome.

Speaker 2: 12:12

I'm so happy that's good, because I'm the pastor, right it should be your whole thing, like that should be your brand. We'll see what we'll say on a kick right now I'll see what happens.

Speaker 1: 12:20

I don don't know. It stays a long time. I can't control what the Lord wants.

Speaker 2: 12:24

Never say never to anything, that's right.

Speaker 2: 12:25

You've learned that, but he was on that. But it's like you know, people will get on health kicks. Yeah, well, he had a health kick. I mean he had a kick for everything. He just kicked. He just kicked all the time. I'm sorry He'd for a super long time, super, uh, energetic, excited about it. But then he'd be into, you know, he'd switch to something like video games. Well, he wants all the newest video games, newest tech. Uh, health he wants to be healthy. He's dieting super hard, like he's gonna be the fittest guy in the room, and then he moves on to. Well, that's stupid. I don't like that anymore. I mean he would just jump around.

Speaker 2: 12:59

So I feel like um the church was kind of just another phase.

Speaker 2: 13:04

I guess is a better way to put it for him yeah that he did that, um, but he, we know we're going to church, um, by the time I was early teens. Yeah, it was early teens. We're all going to church. We're doing the thing. He's helping with youth ministry at this time because we're back in the baptist church and we're doing the thing he's helping with youth ministry at this time because we're back in the baptist church and we're doing the thing. Everyone knows this is like the family that's there and doing all the churchy stuff, um, and behind it all there's abuse. Yeah, the whole time, um, from my early times, fuzzy, but from early teen years up until I was 19. So half of my life, pretty much, was that.

Speaker 1: 13:49

So when you say early teens, so this was not to be graphic or poke too much, but it was after you developed. Yes, it wasn't like a small kid thing.

Speaker 2: 14:00

No, it was definitely after that, lots of advantage taken in that way.

Speaker 1: 14:06

Obviously, this guy is your dad. I have a little girl. I can't even wrap my head around. Even thinking in that direction Like it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. But like someone that you trusted, that you loved, like, and if you want to say, move on, that's fine. Yeah, how did that even like? How do you start something like that? Like what, what was the? What was the foundation that he laid to make it seem like because you didn't tell anybody immediately, right?

Speaker 1: 14:37

no, not until I was 19, so for years, so the entire time yes, the entire time what was it that he said that in his or in, I can't say for his mind, in your mind, that something he said made you think this is normal or this is okay, like what? What did that look like in your head? Or did you just not think anything? You just thought it was like yeah what was going through your mind when it all started happening?

Speaker 2: 15:06

yeah. So when it first started, uh, there's definitely just a lot of confusion because of course, this is your dad. I mean, it's the person who's supposed to protect you. You trust you. You know I've got something on my heart, you know me, that kind of thing, and I again we've been in church, so I know that what's happening is wrong. Like in my mind, I know from the Bible Jesus says this is wrong, and so there's a lot of confusion because it's like this is coming from someone who's supposed to lead and tell me what's going on and what to do. But it was a very gradual process.

Speaker 1: 15:42

Because it came from that source, somebody that you loved and trusted and that, in your mind, would never do something to hurt you or wrong towards you. Is that why you think your mind kind of twisted it up to be okay?

Speaker 2: 15:56

Yes, I definitely feel that way, because it's also like what do you do At that age?

Speaker 1: 16:04

it's not like he's the person you're supposed to go to.

Speaker 2: 16:08

If someone ever does anything like that, yeah, he's the one doing it yes and so and you can't, you know, again brought a baptist and stuff, not to harp on that, but you're taught respect your parents, don't talk back all of this stuff. And so it's like what do you do? Like what do you say? How do you talk to people? And my family was just very disconnected for a long time when I was a kid.

Speaker 1: 16:31

From.

Speaker 2: 16:32

From each other.

Speaker 1: 16:33

Okay.

Speaker 2: 16:33

So, like my parents worked full time both of them I was homeschooled by my grandparents and most of the time me and my brother were alone, Like we didn't really have friends. You know, because we're homeschooled, like we didn't really have friends. You know, because we're homeschooled, we can't merely make friends, the friends we make it to your brothers yeah, my teachers are your family lucky.

Speaker 2: 16:49

I'm kidding, I'm kidding I'm so thankful to be homeschooled like I was okay, I'm not as a joke, um, but you know, this was happening with him. I didn't know how to talk to my mom. Like I didn't know how to talk to my mom, like I didn't know who to go to about this. And from him it was like it's okay, you know, you get those little like it's fine, don't worry about it, which it's as gross as it sounds, but it's just. Especially as a kid, it's hard to wrap your mind around like well, the Bible says it's wrong.

Speaker 1: 17:37

My dad, who's been a pastor for that little short time and works in ministry, says it's wrong, but then we're doing it behind closed doors. It's just so hard to fight through that confusion. Especially, you was okay, like you said, it was a gradual thing. Like what does that mean? Like, what was the? You don't have to know. But I'm saying like, for the reason I'm even like trying to to pull this out of you is because there could be somebody right now that's the same thing happening to them and they don't realize, just like you thought it was okay. Yeah, so what was what was the? Uh, I'm trying not to cry thinking about it. So it disturbed me so much. Like what? How did he frame it up? Or what did he do to slowly, gradually move into further things?

Speaker 2: 18:17

yeah, to make you think that it was okay so there's a lot of manipulation and he was very um very self-centered. So, like, looking back, now you know we have big words like oh, he was narcissistic, but back then you don't. You're a kid, you don't know what a narcissist is, you just know that it's your dad and your dad's telling you well, nobody loves me, people hate me you just hate about you or him. He's saying that. He's saying that people hate him, so he's.

Speaker 1: 18:45

He's talking about himself so he's trying to get sympathy for you.

Speaker 2: 18:48

Yes, it's a bunch of guilt, it's a bunch of sympathy farming.

Speaker 1: 18:51

I guess you could call it like so before he actually did physical anything, he was doing a mental thing yes, so I mean, I guess they would call it grooming yeah, it was grooming, yeah or um which you didn't know, that phrase, no, of course, of course not.

Speaker 2: 19:03

You don't have that you don't know what grooming is.

Speaker 1: 19:07

No, when I heard the word grooming and it was like that, I'm like no, Grooming is like when you're an adult man and you groom up a young man of how he's supposed to be a man Like I never heard of it being perverted like that.

Speaker 2: 19:22

I see and someone said grooming. I'm like that's not what that is. Yeah, I bet that would make I would be confused too.

Speaker 1: 19:28

Yeah because that's what I thought it was. And then dogs you know you groom dogs. Well, yeah, but not in that way. But like I never, because I'd never been around that type of perversion before when it started, like, of course you go in full-time ministry, you kind of hear everything.

Speaker 2: 19:42

Yeah, you get a taste of all the things.

Speaker 1: 19:44

And it blew my mind because it was something again that the enemy has perverted. Yes, that should be a good thing, yes, but ended up being you're preparing it for something else.

Speaker 2: 19:58

Yes, yes, so it was a lot of trying to gain sympathy, and so he would talk very low about himself so how long did he do that before he actually like, was there a while of that before actual contact physically?

Speaker 2: 20:11

so he had always been that way with all of the family. Okay, so I mean around my brother and around my mom now I can't speak for them, I don't know how much it was around them, but I mean it was just, he had a lot of self-loathing and it came out in. Well, everybody hates me. Well, they're mad at me. Why are you mad at me? Why aren't you talking to me? Oh, I'm just the worst person imaginable in the world. And he did that for everybody. And then when it came to just how things went between him and I, I it's hard to say for sure how long that took or how long that lasted, since it's been my whole life. I mean it's been a long time.

Speaker 2: 20:46

But by the time it got to where it was physical I guess. I mean it went, it ramped up, it got more intense, I guess as a way to make things quiet, of like. So he would say things like your mom doesn't love me.

Speaker 1: 21:02

Well, your mom doesn't want to be intimate, intimate yeah, I mean just all of these things of trying to get so as as it progressed and went along and got too physical, he also kept progressing the mental side of it?

Speaker 2: 21:19

yes, most definitely. Like uh, again, timelines are really hard for me. I'm, yeah, time is fuzzy and that's just what comes with it, but, um, I mean it got to the point of, like man, if you ever told anyone that this happened, I would, in my life, like I would just take my own life I don't know what I do yeah, because it's like you still care for your dad, which is weird.

Speaker 2: 21:46

It's a weird mix of everything. I mean, it's just an odd place to be mentally and emotionally, but it's like this person who you care for, who you think truly cares for you, is saying, like man, if you ever told anyone that I did this, like I would take my life, I don't know what I'd do. Everyone would hate me, I wouldn't have anybody in my corner anymore, nobody would love me, I would be all alone if I wasn't dead.

Speaker 2: 22:08

I mean like it just got more and more intense and then it's um you're silent yes, yes, so that I wouldn't tell anyone, because obviously he knows this is very wrong and very disgusting and he would go to prison.

Speaker 1: 22:23

Do you think on maybe the mental side of things, do you think him doing this was a form of him, like maybe the things he said actually was how he felt about himself? But because he had this with you, it made him feel like he had something special, like a twisted, perverted intimacy with somebody that should not have been. Yeah, I mean, it validated who he was because somebody accepted him oh, definitely, oh definitely.

Speaker 2: 22:52

I think a lot of like the sympathy, like trying to get sympathy and stuff. I do think he had like a real self-loathing. Um, he was very he lacked self-control. So he, he was a big guy, okay, he was overweight and he had no control when it came to eating, so he would like he ate himself into diabetes really basically so he has no self-control.

Speaker 2: 23:17

You're brought up in church, you're brought up with fruits of the spirit, self-discipline, self-control, all this stuff. You can never meet that mark. Um, he felt he just had a lot of problems going on. So I think there was true self-loathing. And then I think, when this happened, now you're a person with a lot of self-loathing, but now there's someone who is, who loves you, who compliments you. You say, well, I'm a terrible person. And they say, oh no, you're not. You're the best person in the world. Now, of course, it's obviously a messed up situation when it's you and your daughter yeah but you're looking at it from that place of like.

Speaker 2: 23:58

If you've been, if you're full of self-hatred and now you have someone or something that's giving you that validation that you don't have, you're going to want to cling to it just naturally as a human being, like that's just something that's going to come to anybody.

Speaker 1: 24:16

Not in that way, but yeah, it seems like the, because you talk about self-control, which is one of the fruit of the spirit, but it's very important in life.

Speaker 2: 24:25

Yes.

Speaker 1: 24:26

And it seems at least social pattern, wise or mentally like when people don't have self-control, they try to control the external. Yes, and I think that's what it sounds like is that he couldn't control himself what he did, so he pinpointed and used someone else to bring that control back into his life.

Speaker 2: 24:48

Yeah, which sucks that it was you yeah, but I I agree because as things got more intense, I mean it was like I would have friends and I would have a friend over, or I would go hang out with a friend and he would just be mad Moody wouldn't talk to me, or if he did, he was rude, like when it was if I was giving him all the intention attention, sorry, it was very much like love bombing, if you know what that is.

Speaker 1: 25:25

I mean just like, explain it for Well, like love bombing, if, if you know what that is.

Speaker 2: 25:27

I mean, just like we might explain it. For well, love bombing, uh, and to me I guess I don't have any like specific scientific terms, but love bombing is like constant attention. So it's like what do you want to get you? Anything? You want to go out today, I'll buy you this. What do you want, I'll buy you that. Like, just giving me anything I'd want, like like buying your silence, buying your affection.

Speaker 1: 25:46

Yes, buying your attention buying everything.

Speaker 2: 25:48

So not only do you have that threat of like man, if you told anyone I would end myself, but then on the flip side, I'll get you anything. What do you want? I just love you, I just want to give you gifts, I just want to. You deserve everything nice in the world. Like I just want to show you, which is a whiplash for your emotions, because you're going on one side of the other. But then there's that control of like if I would give someone else attention. Well now, where's that gone? Now I'm deprived of the attention that I'm used to, and so when that happens, at least in my case now, I want to like, quote unquote make it right, yeah I'm sorry, well, I'm here now.

Speaker 2: 26:23

What do you want to do? Like, I want to like, quote unquote, make it right. Yeah, I'm sorry, well, I'm here now. What do you want to do? Like, I want to give you attention now, like it's, it forms a really weird and messed up back and forth.

Speaker 1: 26:31

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:32

Because now you've got a leech but in my case it felt like I was a leech too, made into one of. Like you're taking away my attention, well, I want it back. What should I do to fix it? Well, I'm taking away your attention, well, now you're. It's just weird, it's just very a weird push and pull.

Speaker 1: 26:53

So you said you would go with friends. He would kind of shame you, push you away, pretty much punish you.

Speaker 2: 27:01

Yes.

Speaker 1: 27:02

For not being with him.

Speaker 1: 27:04

Yes, way pretty much punish you, yes, for not being with him. Yes, so it. Obviously. You know like teenagers do, the older you get, the more friends you try to have, the more things you try to go and do you try to get out and be your own person. How did that affect that part of your life, besides what you just mentioned? Did it? Did it make you not want to have friends? Did it make you because, I mean, at some point you're a young lady, you want to, you want to date, you want to have friends? Did it make you because, I mean, at some point you're a young lady, you want to date, you want to start relationships that are beyond just friends? Yes, like, what did that look like with all of this mixed in?

Speaker 2: 27:39

So obviously I'm going into these friendships and becoming an older teenager and going into friendship knowing that I have something that I can't tell anybody yeah so that makes it hard but, um, but I would go into them and it would just, I had some very odd friendships because of this, because I didn't know what like a real relationship looked like like. I feel like know what like a real relationship looked like. Like. I feel like parents kind of model, that for you like when you say odd relationships, what do you mean?

Speaker 2: 28:11

like explain so friendships, that just I had a very blurred line of what was platonic and what was not. So I didn't understand, like, obviously, when you have a friend, you're gonna have boundaries, like there's things that you do with the friend and there's things that you do you have a friend, you're gonna have boundaries, like there's things that you do with the friend and there's things that you do with not a friend yeah I didn't know where those were. Like there were no lines in my life because they were all blurred and they were all blurred.

Speaker 2: 28:34

There were none at all, and so I didn't know what was, and that just made having friends a very anxious experience, because you don't ever know. Like I was. I dealt with anxiety, bad social anxiety. Making friends was hard, um, and it wasn't just that but, like my dad during this time ramped up in a different way, kind of being like, um, like if you leave the house or if you go on your own or you're going out somewhere, well, friends, don't do anything for you. Everyone secretly hates you behind your back he's telling you this he's telling me this yes, he's feeding me this of like.

Speaker 2: 29:11

When you become an adult and you leave the house and you make friends, everything sucks. Your job will suck, you'll hate your life. You won't have any real friends. You can't trust anybody. Everyone will stab you in the back. You can't tell anyone your, your, your secrets or anything that you're struggling with, because they're just going to laugh at you, make fun of you and no one's going to like you and you think that was because, first of all, he wanted you all to himself yeah and second, if you shared any secrets, it may lead to his yes, and I also think it was a reflection of what he felt

Speaker 2: 29:41

yeah because he's carrying around, uh, arguably an even bigger secret in a way, because if I tell someone, I'm gonna get help if he tells someone yeah he's going to go to prison yeah like there's a difference in the weight here, even though both you know one is obviously more devastating than the other.

Speaker 2: 30:00

I guess you could say um, so making friends was a really tough, and then, when it came to like being a young woman and wanting a boyfriend or a relationship that was romantic, I mean, I felt like it was off the table. I didn't want to be around a man at all.

Speaker 1: 30:19

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:25

Is you know, you know a dad you would think is supposed to model like the type of man that he might. I don't know that's coming out weird, but you know it's supposed to model what a good man is supposed to be.

Speaker 1: 30:38

Yeah, godly Good characteristics. You understand actually what a man is supposed to be.

Speaker 2: 30:42

So then? For in my case, I have a dad who's modeling a self-loathing, lack of self-control, pervert, pervert. So how am I going to go out and find a man who's not that Like?

Speaker 1: 30:54

I don't know how would you know what to look for?

Speaker 2: 30:55

Yeah, I don't know what I'm looking for and I'm anxious. I can't even talk to people regularly. How am I even going to talk to a guy? Yeah, I don't want to talk to a guy. What's he gonna do like? I don't want to end up in the same situation yeah um, with anybody, I don't, you know, it was just very it was very weird because there was this hope of like, I want to go out and be having sorry, I want to go out and have a normal life yeah but at the same time I didn't want to go anywhere.

Speaker 1: 31:24

I was very much a hermit um you were designed, I mean, you were conditioned.

Speaker 2: 31:29

Yes, I was conditioned to be a hermit and not go anywhere and not have any friends, um. So it was pretty tough, um, and and at the same time, you know, when you're that deep into it, because the time that I because by the time I got up to be an older teenager um, I kind of convinced myself that everything was fine, like I knew that there was a problem with me at that point, because obviously, when you go through that kind of stuff, you got trauma and you've got all of these things that come up, but I didn't even did you always think it was you, or did you think if something was wrong with him too?

Speaker 2: 32:10

thinking that it was only me came with time. So, like I'll give you an example. So by the time I was like 18 or 19 I'll give that as like a rough estimate I was fully convinced that there was something was wrong with me, but I didn't know what it was, even though the issue was glaringly obvious. Like I thought I had, like, mental health problems or I had a mental illness. You know, I think you do is what nothing to do with him.

Speaker 1: 32:33

It was all you, it was all me.

Speaker 2: 32:35

But, wow previous to this, like a couple years before, I'd actually had an interaction with him. Um, that was, I want to say it's interesting, but it's really just bad. But I came to him and I had, you know, unrestricted internet access. I had a phone. So I'm googling, like you know, about my situation, as if I didn't know. But I'm like, can people go to jail for this? Like, what is wrong? What do you call this? Like, why is this happening to me? And, of course, I'm gonna get the result if someone is doing this to you, they're going to go to prison. This is an illegal thing. You, you're a victim, like you need help. And I went to him and I was like, hey, you know that this is wrong, right, like beyond the bible or anything like that. By legally, this is wrong. And he was like I know.

Speaker 1: 33:23

And nothing changed and that was the end of that conversation, and that was the end of, like you, you could go to prison.

Speaker 2: 33:29

Oh, I know that was it. And things just kept going the same way and it led to me convincing myself that I I had something wrong with me that had nothing to do with what, like what happened between me and him or what was happening and all of that stuff. It's like where I'm standing now. I'm like, wow, it's so weird that your brain can convince you that nothing that happened was wrong.

Speaker 1: 33:55

The way you think is a very powerful thing.

Speaker 2: 33:57

Yes.

Speaker 1: 33:57

So now you said a little bit about romantic relationships. Now you showed me that photo. When was that? You know the one I'm talking about, wait which one was it? Before you came back to God? Was that? You know the one I'm talking about? Wait, which one was it? Before you came back to God, was that? How old are you now?

Speaker 2: 34:10

21, 22?.

Speaker 1: 34:10

I'm 21. 21? Was the. I think you had purple hair.

Speaker 2: 34:14

Oh Lord.

Speaker 1: 34:17

I don't know if you, I don't know if she'll give it to me or I can put it up on the screen for everybody to see, but she may be embarrassed. But so you? When was it that you started being interested in girls? Was it kind of a slow transition to where you're like I don't want anything to do with men, so girls is my option.

Speaker 2: 34:39

Yeah, I feel like that happened. It's hard to say, but but yeah, I feel like it came about when I was kind of like I'm not interested in guys, like I don't, I don't know what to expect from them, you know, and stuff, and then, of course, and that it's just, this situation brings so much confusion yeah and then, on top of confusion, you don't trust or know how to trust men and you don't know you.

Speaker 2: 35:09

It's not like I thought all men were the same, but it was literally like I don't know how to find a good man yeah and so then it's like well, what is the alternative? Women, girls, um, and it was also. It's also like now I have an aversion to men, and standing here now I can look at that and be like, well, there's an obvious reason why.

Speaker 1: 35:35

But at the time.

Speaker 2: 35:35

I was half or even fully convinced that what had happened didn't have any bearings on why I was a problem. So when you go online and you look up why am I attracted to girls, what are you going to find? Well, you must be gay. You're born that way. Bye, you're born that way. And you look up why am I attracted to girls, what are you going to find? Well, you must be gay, or you must be.

Speaker 1: 35:48

You're born that way.

Speaker 2: 35:49

Bye. You're born that way. That's a natural thing that you're feeling, Don't feel shame about it. And then, of course, you're on the internet and in this day and age, you have five million resources for how you can find out if you're really gay. There's quizzes you can take.

Speaker 1: 36:06

There's things you can look at. It's all pushing you into the direction. It's all just pulling you forward.

Speaker 2: 36:10

So when you look up, why am I interested in girls? You're not going to get well, are you? Have you experienced this? As in this, you're going to get welcome to the pride parade Like let's all celebrate. You're gay.

Speaker 1: 36:22

Which is crazy because I have heard time and time again of people who ended up that they're now in the homosexual lifestyle or they used to be in. God set them free. That it was a big part of some sort of trauma in their background and they were running from what they experienced and they ended up running to a alternative lifestyle.

Speaker 2: 36:47

Yes, this happens a lot. Um, and now I do believe that, like some people, even without that trauma, may have that inclination, like I don't, I don't want to like discount that there could be some people who just face that yeah without that, having like a big traumatic event in their life like um just like something.

Speaker 1: 37:05

Some guys, or women too, some have the struggle of pornography and some don't. Yeah, like it's just not a thing at all yes, and so I you know.

Speaker 2: 37:13

I don't want to discount that, but for the most part, from what I have seen too, yeah, it often stems from some sort of trauma or big, significant event.

Speaker 1: 37:22

Um sometimes a collective group thinking, yes, that's who accepts them, because the unless you're a Christian, the pride people are very accepting of, oh, come on. Yes, I am not saying the church should be gay, let's just say that right now. But if the church would do what Jehovah's Witness do, yes, and knock on the doors and actually care that people exist, and if the church would be inviting, not necessarily affirming or accepting, but inviting, yes, like the gay community lack of judgment, because it's so crazy, because we've all been there.

Speaker 1: 37:58

Yes, but, like you said earlier, the pentecostal people, which were charismatic pentecostal is now she came back over to the light. I did, but like we, the Pentecostal people, the movement has not grown like it should have, because everybody is so caught up on what you should be wearing, or how you should talk, or what you should and should not be doing. And it's exactly what Jesus said when he came. He said I didn't come to abolish the law, but I came to fulfill the law.

Speaker 2: 38:28

Yes.

Speaker 1: 38:28

And through Christ we can then actually live out the law according, but from the depths of our salvation, not on the outside, and then we are saved.

Speaker 2: 38:37

Yes.

Speaker 1: 38:39

Pentecostal people like talk a lot of trash about Catholic people, but they act the same way, just in a different way. It's the same chapter in a different way. It's the same. It's the same chapter, just a different paragraph. Yes, it really is, and uh, okay, so back to your story. Now I'll get off that soapbox. I've had the pinnacle. People need to lock it up come on guys be gay, I'm just kidding, don't clip that. What?

Speaker 2: 39:01

are you?

Speaker 1: 39:04

thinking about over there. Just kidding, just kidding. Don't clip this and put it out there.

Speaker 2: 39:12

Can you imagine?

Speaker 1: 39:14

Pentecostal people be gay, what, what? Well, you heard it, folks. So now, when you started even going in that direction of the same sex, how was it in your late teens? Was in your early adulthood like, what was that?

Speaker 2: 39:36

yeah, so I feel like it started um a little earlier in my teenager years.

Speaker 1: 39:42

Um because when you're, when everybody was wanting to, when everything was going on.

Speaker 2: 39:47

I was in a lot of online communities that I shouldn't have been on at that age, but unrestricted internet access, and that was kind of just all the rage then, especially on what I was on.

Speaker 1: 40:02

Was it unrestricted because your parents were working full time and nobody was really guarding what you were doing?

Speaker 2: 40:10

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:11

How come your grandparents? They didn't seem to be so involved in any of this, like nobody. What I'm asking is like and maybe because I watch people, I pick up on things Like somebody's in a bad attitude.

Speaker 2: 40:24

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:24

You know you can kind of pick up on it. Yeah, nobody thought or picked up on anything of nothing this whole time. Or maybe it's one of those things where, like in active shooter training, they say that your brain will tell you. In another room or back in the school, somewhere you hear a gunshot and your brain immediately goes that wasn't a gun. Yeah, like you'll explain it away. And your brain immediately goes that wasn't a gun. Like you'll, you'll explain it away. After all this came out, did anybody say that were close to you, be like oh, and they like I. Maybe I should have saw that.

Speaker 2: 40:57

I feel like there's nobody said anything nobody said anything, but I feel like it was just shock, like my dad, for all of his self-loathing, was very charismatic really yes, like he had a lot of weird charm, he could make friends with anybody, but he's also the person who would walk away from a conversation he had with you and go man, I hate that person. Like he could, he could walk up to someone and have a conversation about like a car, let's say, and they will talk for an hour and just get on so fine and just be best friends by the end of it, but he'll walk away and be like man. I hated that. I hate that. I just said that person's so stupid, like, like, but he, he had it together and so to a lot of people he looked like a stand-up guy, or if not a stand-up guy, then he looked like a normal guy. And so, um, I feel like with my family, like with my grandparents, um, he was very, um, respectful, he tried to do things for them.

Speaker 1: 41:56

So he was good at pretending, so he was great at pretending, yeah, but then it's like at home it was gone so there wasn't like, okay, movies exaggerate things, we know that, yeah, but you know how they'll have like people that are evil or they're perverts and like there's something about them or you. You can see somebody at walmart you'd be like, well, that dude's a pervert you know what I mean, like yeah, but he didn't. He didn't act that way, he didn't have any weird, quirky things.

Speaker 2: 42:22

It was like someone was like something's going on no, like everyone he blended very well like when everything came out, everyone was like wow, I can't believe that. That's, that's crazy, are you sure? Like it was like a lot of like you were the liar yeah, basically, and now I didn't. I was lucky. Um, no one straight out looked at me and was like oh my gosh, you're like no, no one did that those set questions because it didn't fit the pattern yes, yes, and, and, like a lot of times, people who you know share something that big will face that backlash.

Speaker 2: 42:53

Like you're lying, I can't believe you would make that up about them and da da, da da. By the grace of god, I didn't face that. No, I did face questions, which again makes sense. It's like this isn't fitting the pattern. Like, what are you talking about? I don't understand. My grandparents, especially, were very shocked, which is I mean?

Speaker 1: 43:12

it's understandable For years.

Speaker 2: 43:13

You think your son is a stand-up guy and you literally homeschool his children. Like you're involved in their life.

Speaker 1: 43:20

The grandparents are his parents or her? Yes, moms.

Speaker 2: 43:23

His parents, oh yes, oh. So they're on his side. These are the baptists on his side, not, it's not me, I just don't know how to categorize my grandparents by like these are the baptist and these are the because for some reason in my head, I was thinking they were your mom's parents.

Speaker 1: 43:41

No, no, no, so they're your dad they were my dad's parents oh, and they man. You know if I'm being honest, if it was my kid, I don't think I want to believe it either yeah, I want to believe it.

Speaker 2: 43:50

yeah, I mean. No, no, they, they have been great like to me. Like they, they're going through a lot like I can't imagine. Like, even though I was on the receiving end, I can't imagine hearing that and being like what? Like my kid, like as my stand up kid, like who's been here, you know, supporting me and doing things for me. I raised him, I fed him, I changed his diapers, I taught him all he knows. Like I can't, I can't imagine.

Speaker 1: 44:21

I didn't teach him that?

Speaker 2: 44:22

No, definitely not. You know what I mean, but but but yeah, so it was a lot and it was. It's also, I feel, like um a double punch, because you know, you find out that this heinous thing has happened, but then we all find out that he's lied, like he's a big lie. Well, obviously he's a liar, but I mean about everything, like to everybody. There were tons of things that he lied about like. There were things he told us about his childhood that my grandparents came back and said that never happened.

Speaker 1: 44:51

And none of this ever came out until after.

Speaker 2: 44:54

So this didn't know. None of it came out until.

Speaker 1: 44:56

Nobody had a reason to question anything.

Speaker 2: 44:57

No, so it's like, it's like he would. He would say like, oh, this is. I don't know if this actually happened, this is just an example. Yeah, but he could come to you and be like, oh man, when I was a kid, I my dad kicked me in the shin this one time because I made him mad. And then it's like, after everything came out, I was like, well, he said this about his childhood. And then it's like my grandpa being there, no, I didn't, I would never do that, I've never done that before. And so I mean, not only are you finding out that he did this thing, but now it's like everything where are the lies ending?

Speaker 2: 45:28

like they don't um so it is so crazy.

Speaker 2: 45:33

Yeah, like he, he had he, he was doing this, he was lying um irresponsible with everything money, I mean, like I said, like getting on case of buying the latest and greatest games or things. I mean it just never ended. So it's like your whole life is blown up. Everyone in my family's lives kind of just exploded in different ways, but it's all like, oh my gosh, how are we going to pick up these pieces? So it was really, it was a lot, and it all happened in one day.

Speaker 1: 46:06

Wow, and it all happened in one day. Wow, so you're, I guess, earlier in your stages. So when did you stop? Obviously now you're not interested in girls. No, like you've came back to the lord, like your life is completely different from what it used to be. When did you coming to our church? Wasn't the first time you came, started coming back to church, was it For a while? No, okay.

Speaker 2: 46:33

No, I was going to a different church for I want to say a couple months.

Speaker 1: 46:38

Okay, but before that you hadn't been in church in a while.

Speaker 2: 46:40

But before that. So let me. So we were going to church up until everything came out, yeah, and we were going to church up until everything came out yeah, and then I as a family. Let me think it was me and my dad. We were going to church, and then my mom was working out of state, so she had a job that required her to be in Shreveport.

Speaker 1: 47:05

Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2: 47:07

Yeah, the majority of the time. So me and my dad were going to church and then everything came out. And then I, what did I do?

Speaker 1: 47:14

so, oh, while we're talking about that, so what? What led up to the time of when it came out like what happened was did he, did you come out with it? Or somebody found out like how, how did that even happen?

Speaker 2: 47:28

Right, okay, so I'm going to prepare myself. I'm kidding. So what happened was, before everything came out, there was like a pause in the abuse. It was kind of like, as I was getting older it became less constant. It was kind of on and off, so sometimes it was happening and then it would take a break, come back and it was on a bit of a pause.

Speaker 2: 47:55

And then it happened again in a way I hadn't expected and it really shook me, like I guess I don't know what flipped in my brain. I want to say it was Jesus, I guess, but it really it messed me up, up. I guess you could say in a way that it hadn't before. Like I was, like I was shook, but I mean, I was really frightened and I was like confused, I didn't know what was going on. And so what happened was this abuse re-entered the scene a couple days passed and I was really on a low point because I was like I don't understand, like I was. That was scary, like what am I gonna do? And I ended up at my brother's house and up until this point I did not like my brother. Um, I didn't really want anything to do with him.

Speaker 1: 48:48

Uh, just weren't, weren't buddy, buddy with each other so when you said it paused like the, the abuse, what did you move? Did what? Why?

Speaker 2: 48:58

did it pause, so it I think um or do you not know? He just stopped doing he would just kind of be on and off of, like. I feel like he would have almost these moments of like oh man, better back off, like that was. I was wrong to do. It was. He was very weird and unpredictable, but I feel like it was these moments of being I don't want to say conscious, but like clarity of like oh, this is wrong, we need to stop.

Speaker 2: 49:27

And then it would stop, stop, but then it would always come back again, like I feel like it was almost like a clarity moment, or maybe it was like a moment of like, oh, I figured out, this is like him being like oh I figured out, this is wrong, we should stop, almost as if it was my fault, and then it would pause, but then it would pause, but then it would restart.

Speaker 1: 49:45

So this didn't at 19,. This wasn't something, a new pattern, but it was sporadic, Like it would just kind of stop and then it would come back.

Speaker 2: 49:54

Yes, so by the time I was 19,. It would stop and start and then.

Speaker 1: 50:01

Was it always the same amount of time or was it just random?

Speaker 2: 50:03

No, it was random, so life was unpredictable or was it just random?

Speaker 1: 50:09

no, it was random, so life was unpredictable. Now the abuse thing, was it like once a week, once a month, or was it kind of whatever kind?

Speaker 2: 50:14

of depended. Now, when I was younger, it there were, it would be pretty, pretty frequent, I mean multiple times a week, I mean like constant, and then it would pause, and then it would be once that month pause a couple times, for that week pause. I mean, you never knew.

Speaker 2: 50:39

So it was a lot of weird, it's all talk of everything else, it was just unpredictable yes, there was no telling when this would happen, when he would, you know, get off his being a stand-up guy, kick, you know. And you never knew when it was going to happen. Um, and then it happened. So how do I describe this?

Speaker 2: 51:00

so the abuse was abuse, but I guess the way I would put it was it was never violent, if that makes any sense yeah I was 19 and we it had been on a pause and it happened again and it was violent and it scared the living daylights out of me because I didn't. I was like, wow, I can't believe this just happened to me. Like I don't understand. It was like a click in my mind of like this is worse like it actually scared like it.

Speaker 2: 51:34

I mean, it put me in a dark spot where I was like I literally I'm scared, like I didn't, like there were tons of thoughts running through my head. I was like I'm like like this has happened. Is he gonna kill me? Is he gonna kill himself? Like I, I had no idea what was gonna happen. It rocked my world and it's like you get so used to just accepting it as part of your life. And then it happens that way and you're like wow, it was. It was just like a realization of my whole life, like this has been my whole life and now I don't know what to do because it's violent, like I don't, I can't believe, like it's I don't know, like I can't even word it now the type of like realization of I'm not even safe in my house.

Speaker 1: 52:23

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 52:24

Like I wasn't safe, but I thought I was, and now I can't even try and pretend that now, that part that you felt safe is not it's not like.

Speaker 2: 52:32

It's like I don't know what to do now with this information that's come to me. Um, and for the next few days, like I said, like it was in a really dark spot and I tried to do things to make myself feel better, like I was trying to pretend that everything was fine. But I remember we ended up in a restaurant with family a few days after this happened and he just mocked me the entire time. Um, like she won't smile. She's not happy to be here. She must hate us all. Like she doesn't want to be here now. I mean like on the edge of tears the entire time we were out eating because he just would not stop picking and making fun of me.

Speaker 1: 53:12

Nobody said anything.

Speaker 2: 53:14

I think at this point this was the first time that I think people were like wait a minute, that's weird, like what is he doing? Like I remember that dinner was very uncomfortable because the people we were with were actually like what is?

Speaker 2: 53:31

because this has never happened before yeah but now he's so bold, I guess that they're like holy crap, like lay off, like what is going on? Um, and I feel like the lack of vocalizing it like was like you know, when you're sitting there and something really unexpected happens, you're usually like did that really happen? Like kind of a double take, and then you're like do I make a scene? Do I say something? I don't know what was the shift in the like.

Speaker 1: 53:59

What was the reason for the change? That's what I'm not I, I don't know.

Speaker 2: 54:02

I to this day, I don't know. I know that. Like. So I think when people do things like this, it's because they're bad people or the sin has twisted them and made them to be bad people. Yeah, I'm not the type of person to jump and be like oh my gosh, that's demonic. Like I think you're responsible for your actions and doing this type of thing. Like you're responsible for your actions and doing this type of thing. Like you're being a bad person.

Speaker 1: 54:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 54:31

But in that time I'm not sure what happened. I'm not saying it's demonic, but I'm saying that the switch was so weird and unexpected that I'm still kind of like what was going on? Like there was something off about him. Like obviously all this time there's been something off. But this is where I really realized it was violent. He's mocking me, there is no. It's like cold, like like I, during this time I can't tell you how long this was, but during this period of time, like we were in the car one day driving, and it's gonna sound kind of silly, but he was, he put on like and what is it called? He put on some sort of like instrumental music. Yeah, it was very heavy and that. You know, at first that sounds silly, but like he was driving and listening to this and he never listened to this. And then he started yelling out of nowhere and hitting the steering wheel.

Speaker 2: 55:27

I mean, he was acting weird and this is crazy and this was all as, if I remember correctly, it was all in this period of like, after the abuse re-entered and it was like worse than it's ever been. This is what this, this is what came after, like in between when that happened and like when I told someone. So I mean, he's acting crazy, like I don't understand, like I remember riding in that car and literally being like is he about to like yank the wheel? Like is this it? Like I don't. I still don't know to this day what that was like. It was just weird. Um, so he was acting. Everything's been random, but this was like there's something wrong with him for real, like in his mind. Something's wrong with him.

Speaker 1: 56:16

And so what? I know you said the last time was violent. So what made you finally decide to say something to somebody?

Speaker 2: 56:26

So, like I said, I ended up at my brother's house finally to talk to him and I didn't want to be there and all this stuff, and I hadn't planned to tell him. I didn't plan on telling anyone. Still, I planned at that point to figure out how to leave my house and go no contact with everybody. So I planned to just disappear off the face of the earth and never talk to family ever again. That was my plan.

Speaker 2: 56:50

But I went over to my brother's house and we were talking and at one point he gets up to go to the restroom. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone in there to pray and he prayed and he said God just helped me to minister to my sister. However, I need to do that. And he came back out and everything spilled out like I can't even explain why, because I had no plan to tell him and it wasn't like I sat there and decided to. It was like the words just spewed out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them. And after years, finally, I've told someone like this has been happening, and I mean I, I told him this may be a dumb question, but that's his dad too, right?

Speaker 2: 57:34

yes, okay, I thought, yes, yes, yeah, okay, so we're all yeah, um, but I told him that and I mean, I I really exploded his world and then I went home what was his reaction?

Speaker 1: 57:45

like he's just sitting there, like he was.

Speaker 2: 57:47

That that was actually pretty accurate. Like just like, oh, like he, he was trying to get details, but I he was just mostly in shock, I mean. But he was obviously concerned, but he was like okay, had to process a little bit yes, and he was like he, he was very like are you lying? You need to make sure you're not lying. Are you sure, like be sure, you're telling me but this makes sense because it's a.

Speaker 2: 58:12

This is a huge deal. You've just blown like I walked in and blew up his life and he's like everybody. Are you sure that that's true? And I was like, yes, I'm sure my bad, but I'm sorry and I felt bad because I did go home and like you just left him there, like I just went home like all right, see you later.

Speaker 2: 58:29

Bye peace, good, good talk have a good night thanks for letting me vent there on your couch a little bit, while he's literally sitting there like, oh my god, like what do I do? Like literally, um. But I told him that and I told him that on friday I want to say I told him on a friday, it could have been a saturday, I don't know but I told him. I went home and I was like man, I feel so much better. That was so. I had no idea why, like I didn't comprehend yeah but I was like I feel at peace.

Speaker 2: 59:01

Now the peace part was god because, like I said, I dealt with anxiety bad for a very, very long time and I'd always been anxious about everything. And now I went home and I was like I feel so much better and I literally that night got on my like computer and I was like looking up, like where's an apartment at? Like I was like ready to get my life together. Because I didn't in my mind, I didn't expect him to do anything. I thought I was going to tell him go home and everything would be the same as it always was. But something in it made me ready to go. Yeah, like I was like where's this apartment at? I'm gonna go get two jobs, I'm gonna leave, it's gonna be great. I had no idea what was coming, because I thought no like I got it out and I'm free.

Speaker 2: 59:44

I could just walk away. I'm good now and and because no one had done anything, like because no one knows. But I'm like because no one's done anything, surely that's just not going to.

Speaker 2: 59:52

Nothing's going to happen yeah like I told him and now we're going to go about our lives and that's going to be that, like that's, that's fine. And and I don't know like god does things so intricately. I have no idea what was going on, but I remember I'm looking up like apartments. I'm like how much am I going to have to save? How many jobs am I going to have to have to go now, like what do I need? What do I need to do? Like I went from I'm content to live here the rest of my life to I've got to go, like I'm getting a job, I'm getting out of here.

Speaker 2: 1:00:21

And I remember a cousin who I hadn't talked to in years texted out of the blue on Instagram and was like hey, I just felt like asking you, like where you been, how you doing. And I was like well, I think I'm going to move out soon, like I'm really ready to go. And I mean this flurries of messages of advice of like here's how you get your first apartment, here's what you need, here's the money you need to save. Make sure you have this, the money you need to save. Make sure you have this. Don't need to have that. That's unnecessary Stash. This, do this.

Speaker 2: 1:00:48

I mean like play by play just like it was ready, just like that, just shot out and I was like, wow, this is it, I'm ready to go, this is my again. I had I didn't think anyone'm going to get out of here. Everything's great, cool, like that's awesome Dealt with. I'm better now. Like any illness I had in my head's gone Like thank you, like. And I and I hadn't prayed in a long time and I was going to church but I wasn't. I was like I'm going to leave everybody, I'm not doing that and stuff. You know that's just kind of what comes with the territory, but I remember praying and being like god, can you just make a way like I haven't prayed to you in forever, but can you just make this happen, like I just want to leave. And again I was at peace, I think. You know, in a way I think I freaked my dad out because I was so like nonchalant, like I was done. I was like I'm ready to go, I'm getting out. Like I was done. I was like I'm ready to go, I'm getting out of here. He was like what I was like well, who was that? Well, not really, but I remember.

Speaker 2: 1:01:58

So I told my brother on a Friday or Saturday, sunday I was with my dad and we went to like the gym. That was one thing we did. We go to the gym together and we were at the gym. I was like I think I want to move out. I think I want to get a job. I mean completely switched up. I'm going to do this. You know, I'm going to do that. He's like what about this? I'm like I don't care, I'm leaving Like I'm like I, like I'm, I want to do this. Um, and that night I think he ended up coming into my room. He was like hey, I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I was like about what he was like, about what he was like, you know, about what happened. I felt like I was getting like signs or something. He was not like, very obviously not. And I was like okay, cool, you done, like I, I. I feel like it really put him for a loop, because I wasn't trying to be like oh, it's okay, I was just like okay.

Speaker 2: 1:03:09

Yeah like I'm gonna ignore you now, like I'm gonna go about my day. Peace, I'm telling you, it was god-given, supernatural peace. I would have never spoken to him like that. And in that moment I just could not care, like I couldn't bring myself to be afraid of him. I was just like fine, cool, good night. I'm going to bed, like see you later, care, like I couldn't bring myself to be afraid of him, I was just like fine, cool, good night. I'm going to bed, like see you later. I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1: 1:03:33

So this all happened right and he just left the room and he left and he was he didn't.

Speaker 2: 1:03:38

What is he gonna do? Like I, he I feel. Like he was confused, like he was so confused he had to leave. Like he was like I don't know what to do with this. Hey, take it, it's god. Yeah, um, but monday it was three days, three or four days, just crazy. This is god. Like it hypes me up because I'm like this is crazy.

Speaker 2: 1:03:59

But monday I wake up normal day and my brother comes over, okay, and he lives across the street, so that's no big feat. But he comes over and he's like hey, you know, we had that talk a couple days ago. Just wanted to check in, say hi, you left these snacks over here. I just wanted to bring them back for you and I was like, oh, awesome, I thought that was all Like. I really truly was like man, he's dressed weirdly nice for bringing over these snacks. I left. Man, he's dressed weirdly nice for bringing over these snacks. I left. I wonder why he's got like a polo on. I laugh a little. It's not funny, but to me it is because I really was just like he just got dressed up to bring me my snacks. That's weird of him. Good brother, there's a good brother like dang. He's really looking out for me. He wants me to have my blackberries.

Speaker 2: 1:04:43

I left him really wow, so thank you. So we sit down and he hands me my blackberries and I'm I'm having a time my dad also blackberry feeling a piece. I'm great, I'm like I'm leaving. These blackberries are so good this morning nothing could take me down right.

Speaker 2: 1:05:02

Well, he's like, hey, so you know that talk we had where you told me like about all this stuff, and I'm like, yeah, he's like, hey, we should probably report that. That's not the words you used. But he sat down, he sat with me. He was like, look, we really need to do something about this. He's like I've asked a couple friends if you don't tell somebody, I I'm going to have to legally. So you need to come do this with me. I remember at first it didn't click in my head, but then he started crying and that's when I realized, oh, this is real. That's when it really hit me in a different way, because I never had anybody know what was going on. So there's no sympathy because nobody knows what you're going through. But to have someone actually cry like really made me realize, oh, everything that happened is real and it's bad and like it hurt me it's not just a shrug your shoulders.

Speaker 1: 1:06:05

It's all over, it's not?

Speaker 2: 1:06:07

It's not just a I'm going to pack up and leave and like pretend this never happened. It's a no, this is more than this. Is like half your life, like we need to do something about it.

Speaker 2: 1:06:17

Yeah, so I literally went to my room and packed up like two bags of stuff, and I packed only the stuff that I had bought myself, because at this point in time we had no idea how my mom was gonna act. Like I don't even know my mom at this point in my life really, so I'm like I don't want to take anything that she's bought me, because then she could come back and say like that's mine. Obviously I know my mom now my mom wouldn't do that, but at the time you're like I literally don't know what I'll have with the time this is over. I could walk away with nothing but the clothes on my back and I'm gonna have to be okay with that, because as far as you know, everybody could in on this side of it.

Speaker 1: 1:06:56

Everybody could have painted it up as being your fault. Yes, you're the bad person, yes, and so that, logically, that makes sense yes, like you don't know what's gonna happen.

Speaker 2: 1:07:05

I have no idea. So I packed up like two or three backpacks with stuff that only I had bought and I left my house, um, and I went to my brother's house and, like, my sister-in-law was waiting for me and, like I said, it was just a big realization because there were people there who were like there to help me and like believed me and believed that something was wrong, and I never told anybody. So it wasn't like I had had people disbelieve me, yeah, but it was still like, oh, like I told my dad you could go to jail and he just brushed it off. And now these people are like, oh my gosh, this has happened to you. I can't believe, like what's going on in your life. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, I can't believe it either. Like it's like I just realized what went on in your life. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, I can't believe it either.

Speaker 2: 1:07:44

Like it's like I just realized what went on in my life and now everybody's crying and like, what are we going to do? And I don't know. Like I don't know anything. I'm walking out of this house Like I had I'd gotten my license, but other than that I know nothing. Like I'm completely dependent on one person and I'm walking out into this world not knowing what's gonna happen, I don't know who's gonna be in my corner when it's over and I don't know where I'm going next. But I can't go home. So I went to my brother's um, changed out my pajamas and we got in the car and we went to the police station and again even though I just, you know, realized like everything in my life is like a lie and stuff, there was a peace because I walked in and we were like we need to file a report who was it that came over to the house, that there was crying and stuff?

Speaker 2: 1:08:33

I know your brother, my brother and who else that was just my brother when I walked across the street to his house, my sister-in-law was waiting for me and she was like you know, let me give you a hug, you know so, but it had just been me and him.

Speaker 1: 1:08:45

At this point, nobody else knows anything it's literally me.

Speaker 2: 1:08:49

Uh, the only people who knew at this time were me and my brother and his wife, and then a friend of my brothers who he had called in because he's like I don't know what to do, like what am I supposed to do? And then, like someone my brother had called who had been like hey, oh, oh, my gosh, you need to like report some advice. So like, but other than that, I mean it's and your dad is at work. This time my dad was at work.

Speaker 1: 1:09:07

Okay.

Speaker 2: 1:09:08

So they go to the police station. I kind of give every the rundown, you know, walk through all this and by the time it's over. You know, like in, like in movies, it's all. I got a reference movies. But, like in movies, they walk in, they report it and the cops are like, oh my gosh, we gotta go get this perp. And they like bust out and they got the badge, they got the gun. They're like ready to go. You see, like it cuts to, like the flashing light, cars and everything's over. And they're like oh my god, no, that didn't happen.

Speaker 2: 1:09:41

I walked in, I told them and the police officer god sent her, I believe. But at the time, you know, I tell her everything. She's like hey, do you think you can go back home? Uh, no, I was like no, absolutely not. She's like well, we can't take him in. There would have to be an investigation. An investigation takes a time, like a good amount of time. And so it was. She was like can you go home and like act like everything is fine? And I'm like lady, my whole life just like exploded. I don't think I can, but it was.

Speaker 2: 1:10:16

But I mean there wasn't much they could do yeah but we walked out and my brother movies are liars movies are liars. They are. They exaggerate everything they do. And then you're so dramatic and you're like, aren't you supposed to like bust out of here? Like kick, kick over a trash can or something.

Speaker 1: 1:10:32

It goes missing in the movies. They like move heaven and earth. You go there like hey, 48 hours.

Speaker 2: 1:10:38

Sorry, let's just see how this plays out you know, I got some paperwork to do like oh okay, thanks for the information thanks for telling me that this could take me two weeks at least I have like a time span could you come back later?

Speaker 1: 1:10:56

we're on lunch right now.

Speaker 2: 1:10:58

I got like a game of Jingo back there this way.

Speaker 1: 1:11:02

I'm way ahead.

Speaker 2: 1:11:03

Right now, I cannot break from this game I gave all this, please, not for some reason, but did you go home?

Speaker 1: 1:11:12

did you go back home?

Speaker 2: 1:11:13

no. So what happened was I walked out and my brother was the one who was ready to move heaven and hell anything. He was like we will find somewhere to go. Like if we have to leave the state for a couple weeks, so be it. Like you're not going home, we're not gonna let that happen. We'll figure out what we're gonna do. I don't care. My brother has a wife and kids and he's like I'll pack up everything, yeah, nothing matters.

Speaker 1: 1:11:34

Like we're gonna go street.

Speaker 2: 1:11:35

Yes, so they're. Not only are they like let's go, because they don't want to be around him, but they're like we'll take you with us, like we'll go anywhere, we'll do whatever we got to do, like we'll settle this, this is fine. And so we get in the car and we're driving home. Well, at this point we decide, hey, it would be good to let our mom know what's going on oh yeah, well, I guess that makes sense yes.

Speaker 2: 1:11:56

So you know, maybe maybe like let's flip a coin, no, but we get in the car and my mom, who's been working in shreveport she worked down the state for a while we call her up and she had just gone home uh, not home, sorry, she had just went back to work. So she would come on the weekends that she was off to spend time at home and then go back to work. And she had just the weekend had just ended, it was monday, so she had literally just gone back to shreveport, so she had left that morning to go back home. And so I called her, or my brother, and I called her and we were like, hey, listen, abby just walked into the police station and filed a report against dad. Uh, we'd prefer you not talk to us until we're ready, but you should come home.

Speaker 2: 1:12:43

Because that's what happened just now, because we had no idea what she was going to say or do. So we were like, just respect our wishes, don't contact us right now, but here's what's happening, you should come home. And I remember she asked me a very specific question about the abuse, basically like what, really what? What is something that was done like just to make it, which is something. Yeah, you gotta. I mean, someone calls you and says I just filed this, like I told her, and she was like okay, and that was it, and she and I didn't know this was happening, but she like booked it home, like she was like holy crap, this is real, I gotta go.

Speaker 2: 1:13:22

Left work, started driving home, I just exploded another person's world yeah you know I I'm not gonna say oops, but you know, oops, like so. So we go from the police station after this phone call back to my brother's house because they're packing up. We're gonna leave. We're like we're gonna go find someone that the family doesn't know and stay with them like we're gonna figure out what to do. We get there, we're packing.

Speaker 2: 1:13:48

At this point my grandparents uh, so my dad's parents show up. They're obviously like what's going on? I don't understand. Your mom just called us. She was, you know, crying, having a hard time. Yeah, we don't get what's going on. We explain everything to them. We're sitting there now. My dad's at work. During this whole time he's been texting my phone non-stop. Where are you? What are you doing? Why won't you answer me? What's going on? Where did you go? Did you go somewhere? Paranoid, out the wazoo? We're standing there talking to my grandparents and he calls my grandma and she answers and he goes hey, are you with them right now? Do you know where abby's at you know what's going on? No, everything's fine, I don't. I don't know what's going on, just good job, grandma good job, grandma.

Speaker 1: 1:14:44

She answered, ended the phone call and like did she say that she was with you though?

Speaker 2: 1:14:50

no, no, she, she was like I don't, we're just going about our day oh no, what's going on? I got you guys, so she, she deflected, and you know shouldn't.

Speaker 1: 1:14:58

Shouldn't lie. There's people lying, Whoa what up?

Speaker 2: 1:15:02

I just feel.

Speaker 1: 1:15:07

Come on, man, she ain't going to let these baddest people get away with nothing.

Speaker 2: 1:15:09

Get her a pass. Get her a pass, you know, get her a pass. But you know, shouldn't lie, but you know, and I, you know, I come back. I'm like dang, that must have been hard. Yeah, like realistically, that's your kid, colin.

Speaker 1: 1:15:24

Dude dad would be like no, I don't have a clue, see you later. My mom's like more attached and you're like well, you're my baby.

Speaker 2: 1:15:32

Yeah, like, what are you supposed to do? And so it's like man. That must have been really like truly. You have to answer a call, and not only is it like your son, but then you're lying and you know that's, that's hard yeah it does hard and you know I'm forever thankful that she was willing to do that.

Speaker 2: 1:15:59

like, even though she didn't know what to believe, her whole world had just crumbled her granddaughter standing here telling her something that she doesn't know is true or not, like how are you supposed to wrap your head around that? You know, everything just happened in the morning on a monday, like crazy. But she did it and I'm god only god like I don't know how else to describe it, but, um, we had that interaction. My grandparents leave, we're packing up to go, so my dad's at work.

Speaker 1: 1:16:28

When your grandparents leave, when they're leaving, what do they say? I mean who? Okay, I'll talk to you later.

Speaker 2: 1:16:37

Basically, just let us know that you're safe. I mean, they're in shock. They don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. My brother didn't tell them where we were going because it was like you won't have to lie because we're not going to tell you, just know that we'll be fine. Like we're going to go somewhere else. So my grandparents are walking away, probably being like dang. They don't even trust us enough to tell us when really it's more of like we literally don't know what's going to happen.

Speaker 2: 1:17:01

Like we don't even trust us enough to tell us when really it's more of like we literally don't know what's going to happen, like we don't know what to do either, like everybody's freaking out, so are like especially us, like we don't know what to do here, and so we're just going by the seat of our pants Like we're just there is no game plan for a situation like this. There's no way to game plan Except get out, except leave. Yeah, so they leave, they go home, and so we're about to leave and go, and my dad drives down our road as you're leaving.

Speaker 2: 1:17:34

As we're walking out the door, his car at the time it was a bright red car speeds down the road to our house, which, again, is right across the the street, and only by god's grace did he not see us. He somehow completely missed us, walking out of the house and didn't see us and drove past us was it at the end of a work day, or why did he come? No, he left work because I wouldn't answer my phone wow so I don't know what happened.

Speaker 2: 1:18:03

I don't know if, like, paranoia got to him and he was like what? She won't answer what is that? Because it was out of the norm that I wouldn't answer him. So he, he speeds down the road in his bright red car and doesn't, somehow doesn't see us and drive straight home. But I saw it and I look at my sister-in-law and I go, that was definitely my dad's car and she goes, goes. We're leaving now. So we get in the car and we start going the opposite way and she's like I don't even know how to get to where we're going this way. But we got to leave, like we figure it out, but we got to go now. Like that's crazy, yeah, like only God could make it to where he did not see us walking out of the house because he hadn't my dad had no idea where we were. We were in the front yard but he just drove right past Unsafely, speeding down the road because I wouldn't answer my phone. That's all I did is not answer his phone because no one told him.

Speaker 1: 1:18:59

Did he try to after he got home? Did he try to still reach out? Oh, he was. He was texting me for a pretty long time. Hold him. Did he try to after he got home, did he?

Speaker 2: 1:19:02

try to still reach out. Or oh, he was he. He was texting me for a pretty long time, um me. So I was riding with my sister-in-law and then my brother was riding with his friend and we met up at like a gas station, like a couple miles down the road. So we're like we want to make sure. Like you know, again, we don't know what's going on. Like this. We don't even know our dads. We're like is he following us? Is he a mastermind? We don't even know our dad. So we're like is he following us? Is he a mastermind? We don't know where he's at, we don't know where we're going. We don't know if he's a genius. Does he have trackers on our phones? We don't know.

Speaker 2: 1:19:28

So we pulled over and that's when I turned my phone off, because that was a genuine concern. It's like is he going to be able to track the phone? Like All this time this phone has been my crutch Because I'm anxious, I don't know where else to go. So all of the people that I might have talked to or all the things I might have looked at to calm me down, my phone is off. I have nothing. So I'm kind of just sitting there on and off crying because I'm like I don't have a distraction, I can't really go anywhere in my mind Like I'm just here for the ride for however long it takes, because, again, this investigation could last a while. It's not even started yet and we don't know where we're going or what we'll do so but even so, I managed to just be there.

Speaker 2: 1:20:18

I think obviously part of it is god but, I think part of it is also like I, I there was nothing I could really do, like it's not like I could magically be like oh, the investigation starts now and I know where they'll find him. It's like you, it's completely out of your control and they didn't?

Speaker 1: 1:20:35

did they get information from you to keep you updated? Or they just said we'll get a hold of you when we find something out? Like how? What did that even look like? So?

Speaker 2: 1:20:42

they took down like my info, like my phone number and stuff, but they they really were just like. We'll let you know when we know.

Speaker 1: 1:20:50

So I mean, I guess that's the process.

Speaker 2: 1:20:52

It's just the legal process, but it's very unfortunate, because then you're kind of again, you're stuck being like I have to upend my whole life Because you first.

Speaker 1: 1:21:00

Cybers are going to start going off and they're going to all leave and go, grab them and bring them back. Those are the movies.

Speaker 2: 1:21:05

But it's not real life. No, and like, obviously I think they were going to help, but I mean you run up to the Process and you're like wait, I was expecting more. Yes. You want me I was expecting more, like I expected them to be like oh my gosh, that's crazy, let's go. And instead it's like can you like act normal? It's like do I look normal For how long? Like yes, and you don't know, because there's so many things that could happen. Because I say one thing what if he comes back?

Speaker 1: 1:21:35

No, I didn't. There's no evidence. I don't the person saying that it happened.

Speaker 2: 1:21:40

Exactly so. They're like they're going to have to gear up for a an investigation without any real evidence, like there's nothing.

Speaker 1: 1:21:52

So when you, after the gas station, when you all met up, kind of collected yourself, turned your phones off, just in case I don't know, what did you do after that? Did you wait for a minute or did you go somewhere?

Speaker 2: 1:22:02

We immediately left. So we like turned my phone off. I had like a pep talk with my brother and he was like everything's okay, everything's going to be okay. And I was like, okay, we left the gas station and we went to go to the house of someone that he knew that not even I know. So it's almost it's not like the movies, but it's almost like the movies. Safe house yeah, it's a safe house Like I'm like it's not like the movies but it is.

Speaker 2: 1:22:27

Yeah, but it's not. But we turn up and these people don't even know me, but I walk in. You know, I'm tear, tear, stained, I'm like disheveled, I don't know anything, I'm anxious, I don't know how to talk, to literally have no people skills at all. I'm like they're like do you want water? I'm like what? Like I don't even know what's going on.

Speaker 1: 1:22:50

What is?

Speaker 2: 1:22:50

a cup. I know I forgot, like I don't know, but I remember I got there and I mean we're sitting there for hours, don't know anything Again. My phone's turned off, so it's not like people can reach me, obviously. Don't know anything again, my phone's turned off, so it's not like people can reach me. Um, obviously my brother's upset, it's his dad, like what do you do? You're on the run, you don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2: 1:23:10

And then in this whole time there's also radio silence from my dad, so we don't know and you told your mom not to contact you and we told my mom, like don't call us for a while because we don't know what to do with you or you with us and I don't know is it because y'all didn't know if she knew anything, or we? Didn't know what she was going to react, how she was going to react, or say we also didn't know if she knew anything.

Speaker 2: 1:23:30

We didn't know anything about her, or maybe my brother did, but for me, like during the abuse, stranger she's a stranger, she was always I thought she hated me, I thought she was mad at me, I thought she didn't't like me and at the same time, she thought the same about me. So we have had walls.

Speaker 1: 1:23:45

Well, you were also getting fed that information.

Speaker 2: 1:23:46

Yes, exactly, and she was getting fed that information too. So now, not only do you not know each other, but you thought you hated each other, and now it's like no way we don't, but we still, you still don't know each other. Like there's no fixing that at that time. So other things to worry about yeah, that's much bigger problems right now, um, especially because it's radio silent. My dad gonna end his life. Is he gonna follow?

Speaker 1: 1:24:14

through on the threat.

Speaker 2: 1:24:15

That's what he told me, yeah so we're all standing around like, oh my gosh, is he gonna do something?

Speaker 1: 1:24:20

because that he's at the house by himself.

Speaker 2: 1:24:22

He's at the house by himself and we owned guns. We live in Texas, so of course we did. Everybody's got guns.

Speaker 1: 1:24:28

I got three behind me. That's cool. It's actually like Desperado. In that guitar case I got some rocket launcher. That's best. How long did y'all stay at that friend's house?

Speaker 2: 1:24:48

Again, another work of God. God, we're there for hours. I somehow fell asleep. I have no idea how I call it my god-given nap, because literally no way to distract myself, no way. I fell asleep until 5 pm. Do you want to know what happened at 5 pm?

Speaker 1: 1:25:03

What.

Speaker 2: 1:25:04

My dad turned himself in and because he turned himself in and confessed there was no investigation, he was now Guilty In prison and guilty.

Speaker 1: 1:25:12

Well, I mean, yeah, you confess you're guilty.

Speaker 2: 1:25:14

I'm guilty, so I went to this person's house. So all same day, all in the same day, all in the same day, all in the same day.

Speaker 1: 1:25:21

You didn't have to go on the lam and wait for a few months.

Speaker 2: 1:25:26

It was on a Monday. Wow, I remember the time because I woke up and I looked at the clock. I was like man, it's five o'clock. How have I been asleep that long? I walk outside and my brother's like he just turned himself in.

Speaker 1: 1:25:41

Wow.

Speaker 2: 1:25:42

One day. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy like I can't even. I still don't know how to wrap my head around it that it all happened just in one day and, like looking back, it's so fast so have you talked to him since my? Dad, yeah, no, no he.

Speaker 1: 1:26:01

Because my question is unless somebody came to the house to investigate, how did he know that all of this was because of what he had done to turn himself in?

Speaker 2: 1:26:13

So, as far as I know, no one told him anything. He all I can think of is like either either he had a moment with like god, god was like, look, this is it. Or he was literally so paranoid of his own secret that the only thing he could piece together of all of his family just not talking to him all at once was she's told someone and they know. But other than that, I have no, I have no earthly clue how he like came to that conclusion and then came to the point where he turned himself in.

Speaker 1: 1:26:48

It would have been even better if none of that was actually the reason and he just turned himself in. That'd have been awesome. That would have been awesome, that would have been awesome that would have been awesome. Nobody had to go through any trauma. Like you're, you're like what? 14 years old and he just feels guilty and turns himself in. That would have been pretty good. That was two years ago.

Speaker 2: 1:27:10

Yes, right, 19, 20, 21. I can do math. See, you can laugh at me.

Speaker 1: 1:27:16

Everybody has their weakness, all right.

Speaker 2: 1:27:18

All right.

Speaker 1: 1:27:19

And so it's been two years, and so it's been two years. I don't know what, I don't know the details of what you went for, but so he's in prison now.

Speaker 2: 1:27:34

He has he gone to trial so, um, we didn't do a trial because he pled guilty, so he went and confessed and then we went to like a court sentencing hearing or whatever. I don't know is that what you went to I did go to that, yes, yes, and he um, they're basically like this is what you said, this is the charges, this is you know what's going on. Do you want to plea like here's your plea bargain, or you can go for the trial and he pled guilty.

Speaker 1: 1:28:02

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:28:03

So so I did end up going to that yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:28:07

And didn't they ask you to say some words?

Speaker 2: 1:28:10

They said I could and I did, and I didn't bring it because I didn't think about it.

Speaker 1: 1:28:17

But I Can you give a kind of a. A summary, yeah, so so I will say it's not funny, but it was a little bit, because I better to find humor in it than me tore up I went and the guy basically was like look, we heard you want to give, like you know, a victim statement.

Speaker 2: 1:28:34

That's what's called. He's like just make sure that you don't use like super strong words up there, like get too explicit. Like it is recorded for future you know purposes, so try not to get too angry. But we understand. Like you know, you got a lot going on and I was like, okay, I walked up there and at the time you've done this, you've already re-established yourself back in church, correct? Yes, so by the time that this happened, I was, I was back in church and how long ago was this he had to go?

Speaker 1: 1:29:00

was it last year? We're in july, june, almost june.

Speaker 2: 1:29:03

I think it was last year, okay, yeah I think it was last year, um, so they're you know, they're like don't get too crazy up there, but also we understand stuff. And I was kind of like, okay, I walk up there and I think they had expected like multiple pages of like I can't believe.

Speaker 1: 1:29:17

I hate you, you know, insert bad word and stuff like that in there, when you're doing this, he is. Oh, now so you. So we had looked at each other face to face yes.

Speaker 2: 1:29:26

So while I was sitting there, he was the last case that they like were like plea or not, because when you sit in like one of these hearings, you have multiple that they go through. So we looked at each other and I mean, for me it was instant tears and he cried too, but there's no talking. You know, obviously you're not talking to each other. And when I went up to give my statement, they were like you. They told him he couldn't even react. So he couldn't even look at me because he wasn't allowed to make a face, he wasn't allowed to nod, he wasn't allowed to do anything, he just had to sit there and listen.

Speaker 2: 1:29:58

So I walked up there, there and I guess, in summary, it was basically like look, you know, everything happened on this monday. I thought my life was over, I thought everything was ruined. I really didn't like you, like I didn't know what to make of anything. But I've reconnected with the lord and all I want to say is I forgive you and I hope that you will use the rest of your life to follow God and do what you need to do in there, because God loves you and I still love you. But you've done this thing and I just hope that you can find God in all of it, because that's what you need to do, and that was basically what I said that's pretty intense yeah, it was.

Speaker 2: 1:30:48

It was a lot crying the whole time through it, or you were able to make it through that I cried a lot just sitting in there and looking at him and by the time I gave the statement I started out pretty watery, but by the end I was pretty like sure of what I was saying. Like I was like I forgive you, I love you. This really sucks that you've done this, but you need to find god like you need to ask him for forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 1:31:12

This is what you need to do I don't know if I could do it. I would.

Speaker 2: 1:31:19

I would want to hope yeah that I could, but that's I would want to hope that I could, but that's it's only God, because I yeah, it was a struggle, I still struggle sometimes. Like forgiveness is definitely a process and it's not like I just wake up some days and I'm like I don't forgive him anymore. But there's ebbs and flows to this kind of thing, especially after everything, when you kind of start to realize like everything that happened and what that means and all that stuff.

Speaker 1: 1:31:48

So, on the aftermath of all that, what does the family system look like now? So, I know for a fact you know your mom very well. Now I do.

Speaker 2: 1:32:03

I love my mom, I I love her. I've always loved her.

Speaker 1: 1:32:06

She's actually so.

Speaker 2: 1:32:07

We're in my office, but she's actually in the living room talking to my wife as we're doing all this my mommy brought me here, so they're always together yes, I will always be there to brighten her day yeah, that's what I will say so right now I I'm still living with my mom, uh, but we're so awesomely together all the time, um, so it's me and her and then my sisters, so we all live together, and then my brother still lives across the street.

Speaker 1: 1:32:42

You have adopted sisters, right? Yes, they are. Are they blood sisters or are they independently adopted?

Speaker 2: 1:32:47

They're not blood. They're not blood, okay, they're like family trees are so weird. My mom knows someone who knows that, someone who she might be related to, and they're like from the other side of that family, so I do with that what you will. But they are my, they're my sisters, sure? Short answer nobody really knows. Nobody has. They just showed up and we're like sounds good enough forever keep them.

Speaker 1: 1:33:09

We'll feed them a little bit they're sweet little girls yes, they're, they're so they made me, uh, put everything up. They did. You see, they made me something. No one of them did. I can't remember their names who's who.

Speaker 2: 1:33:22

Was it the blonde one or the dark-haired one?

Speaker 1: 1:33:24

I don't know who made it they were both there when they handed it to me but but it had my name on it. It was like a little drawing or whatever they were. Like it's him. It's got to be in that closet. I threw everything in there. That's awesome, so nothing would be in the background.

Speaker 2: 1:33:36

I would look like shown in the closet. That's classic, but it's us. My brother still lives across the street with his wife and his kids.

Speaker 1: 1:33:47

And you work with your brother now, right.

Speaker 2: 1:33:49

I work in the same room as him, yes, so I guess you could say I work with him sometimes. But yeah, we work in his office, so I'll go over there every day to do my job and then come back home In your pajamas? No, no, oh, you don't Okay sometimes I thought there every day to do my job and then come back home in her pajamas.

Speaker 2: 1:34:03

Uh, no, no. Oh yeah, okay, sometimes I thought you said you did because you're like I just go across the street times, but not all the time like I try sometimes she wears normal clothes when she goes and delivers blueberries or blackberry blackberry. Hey, yes, um, so we actually. So it's like me and then my brothers across the street, and then my grandparents live. My grandparents live right beside us. His, your dad's, yes, my dad's parents live right beside us.

Speaker 1: 1:34:31

Now were they living there the whole time. Yes, same spot, okay, so they just stay.

Speaker 2: 1:34:35

That's not new. No, Okay so but yeah, that's the current setup and we go to how's the relationship with you and them now?

Speaker 1: 1:34:44

it's good they didn't, did they kind of?

Speaker 2: 1:34:47

there's a bit of distance, yeah, um, though I don't know what side it's coming from yeah, it's just kind of it's just kind of difficult to get through that and so, but I, I, I still love them, they still love me, we still talk like it's just not like it was before, but nothing is.

Speaker 1: 1:35:04

It probably didn't have anything to do with you, but it has probably a lot to do with the shame Like their kid did. Like if we go somewhere and Tristan does something stupid and I walk in the area where he did something dumb, I don't really talk to a whole lot of people because I'm embarrassed, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 1:35:23

Like if he did something stupid in the neighborhood, like yes one one summer this was like two or three summers ago he took his little orby gun or no, it was an airsoft gun and he shot a teenage girl that lives in the neighborhood her car as they passed by. Because he thought he's being funny for his friends. He's like, oh, he won't do anything. Well then we had to go that night and apologize to every person that was involved. And so now if I walk by the houses or drive by the houses I kind of hold my head down. It's a little bit funny. So I mean I can understand that your kid does something. You're like dang or especially, and maybe a little guilt because they didn't see it yeah you?

Speaker 1: 1:36:00

yeah, you would think and hope that you would be able to see your kids, but usually that's kind of where we're the most blind.

Speaker 2: 1:36:05

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:36:07

But it is awesome that after all of this, you and your mom have been closer than ever. It's like the years you lost you got back.

Speaker 2: 1:36:16

Yes, it definitely was. At the start it was very interesting. It was like I don't know how to talk to you and she didn't know how to talk to me, like we really were strangers, like we didn't know, and I lived a couple months with my brother what was her reaction after everything happened?

Speaker 1: 1:36:30

like how did y'all mend that? Like did she stop going to shreveport?

Speaker 2: 1:36:36

yes, so the monday when she came back, she was basically she told her people, you know and I she's got more detailed than I do, but from my understanding she was like look, I can't go back there, I got a family here, I gotta pick up the pieces. Here's what happened basically. You know, tldr, this, this happened yeah I can't go back.

Speaker 2: 1:36:57

Can you just give me a job here, whatever you can do? Um, and god provided and she got the same job that she had in tree porch, in like 30 ish minutes away. So she's closer now so she can be home, um, so I don't. We didn't talk to her monday, it was that week, though tuesday, wednesday, it wasn't that long. Our like no contact rule wasn't very long.

Speaker 1: 1:37:27

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:37:28

So when I first saw her again she was just like still processing. It's a lot to go through, oh for sure, yeah, a lot Like. I don't know if you'll ever stop fully processing. You know, if you do, it's gonna take a while.

Speaker 1: 1:37:42

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:37:43

But I think she was just like wow, wow, you know, that's all, that's all. I know she was very, um, she wasn't antagonistic or anything like that, like she. She's like yeah, you know, you, you answered my question. I knew you weren't bluffing there. There was no disbelief, there was no moments of like well, you were lying, like. None of that. I was very blessed because my mom was like wow, that happened. We went back to her house it's her house now. But we went over there, you know, we talked it out. There were a couple other like of her friends there trying to, you know, give support obviously, which is great, um, and I kind of just told them. You know, I I filled my mom on the details and I filled them into. You know, I was just kind of like you're here too, so I guess you get to hear about it.

Speaker 2: 1:38:34

Here's everything that happened yeah um, and after, you know, after that again my mom was like, oh my gosh, you know there was never you. She never like vocally, was like I don't believe you or I can't believe you did that or anything. She was supportive. Now it was tough learning how to navigate with her home because she had been like out of the house for so long. But now it's like. It's like not only are you adjusting to like a new person in the house, like a quote, unquote new person, person in the house, but you're also like this is my mom, and how do I?

Speaker 2: 1:39:03

talk to my mom, like I don't even know my mom, I don't know what she's okay with, I don't know what she's not okay with. You know, all of these, like all of the routines that have been built up for the past years of my life are now void. So I don't even know what to like do with my hands, like I don't know what to what's. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what to say. But, um, god really carried us through um. For a couple months I live with my brother, yeah, so I was going to his church and then she started coming to connect um, and then, of course, she's like, hey, maybe one day you want to go to my church and that'll be cool. And I was like, yeah, sure. Then I went. I was like, wow, these people are crazy. Gotta leave, gotta go.

Speaker 2: 1:39:45

I came back and now I'm here, so I guess I'm, yeah, part of the she'll never escape the cult I'll never leave, but it it's been a journey, and now you lead a group I do, which is so crazy that that's, that's really crazy. That's actually because I back then, like two years ago, but before you know, everything went down. Even sometime after I was like I don't want to be a part of ministry ever again. Yeah, like I don't want to do that. Um, because, like I said, I was in, like children's church, um, at the baptist church for a while.

Speaker 1: 1:40:21

I sang a lot, uh, but she does now too on the worship team I do she's the star player, stop oh, no, no, no, no, everyone plays a part.

Speaker 2: 1:40:33

Okay, we're team, but, um, but I was like I never, I'm never gonna sing again, I'm never gonna do ministry again, I don't want any part. Like I was going to church but I didn't want to be any like like in a part of the church, like I didn't want to do that, like, um, it took me a bit to still come back to god after everything happened. So I was going because my brother was like, if you move in, you gotta go to church yeah and I was like, okay, and I wasn't.

Speaker 2: 1:41:00

It wasn't like I was dragging my feet, like I like talking to people, and it was like, oh my gosh, I actually get to be around people. I still was lacking people skills, the anxiety was still there, although it was way uplifted, but you know, I still struggle with some of that. But then I came to connect. First I was like these people are crazy, I don't know what's going on. Uh, came, of course, I came back, came back. I started going regularly. We don't do nothing that crazy though, but like, if you come from a church, okay, listen, yeah, explain you offended, don't get offended. But if you come from a church where everyone just sits in the pews, yeah you know.

Speaker 2: 1:41:39

And then you come to another one and people fall on the floor. You're falling out in the spirit, dude. I thought people were in trouble. I looked at my mom. I was like they think they have this spirit and they're having a medical issue. What do we do? And she was like it's fine oh, no, no more.

Speaker 2: 1:41:54

And someone help these people don't get offended, but that's just what happens. It's just jarring. And now I'm like guys, they're fine, don't. Now I'm like guys, they're fine, don't worry. I'm the person telling people don't worry about it, they're all right. They're all right.

Speaker 1: 1:42:10

She also. I'm going to brag on you a little bit.

Speaker 2: 1:42:13

Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 1:42:14

She also was the one who was like Lord that speaking in tongue stuff, okay, it's in the Bible, but that ain't for me. I was I was telling that story.

Speaker 1: 1:42:26

It's a pretty cool story, cause, like a lot of people get caught up in like okay, I have to be in church, I have to do this certain thing, I have to do that, and and I think that robs us from the authenticity of the experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit we overthink and have too much knowledge. Yeah, like in Acts, they didn't know what to expect.

Speaker 2: 1:42:46

No, they had no idea.

Speaker 1: 1:42:47

They were just expecting.

Speaker 2: 1:42:48

Yes.

Speaker 1: 1:42:49

And being obedient. Yes, tell your little story.

Speaker 2: 1:42:52

Okay, okay. So I was like tongue in hand for me. I was like I don't do none of that. Okay, I have a bit of a control problem and I don't do none of that. Okay, I have a bit of a control problem. And I was like having the Lord take over what I'm saying not my thing, I'm good on that, don't need that, okay. So, of course, never say never with the Lord, because he has a great sense of humor. And I had, you know, when I started, started coming to connect and really like started to know the Lord, like I started really knowing him and like actually having a relationship, because there's definitely a difference between knowing about the Lord and actually knowing and like following the Lord. And you know, I had a lot of intense prayer times, fill in the spirit and stuff, all of that good junk. And there were a couple times leading up to when I actually did that, I felt like I was shaking, like I was like, oh my gosh, like on your own nobody.

Speaker 1: 1:43:53

Nobody's tricked her and say you gotta do this to feel the spirit. It wasn't.

Speaker 2: 1:43:56

It was when these when this I'm getting tongue-tied right now. When this happened, I was usually alone in my room and I was praying hard about something like fill in the blank, it didn't matter what it was, I was just praying super hard. I was feeling the Spirit. I was alone. Usually the house was empty, like there was no one. It was just me and the Lord and I was praying and I would feel like my tongue was going numb and I'd get scared and I'd stop. Like I was really like no, this can't be me. Like no, this ain't right.

Speaker 2: 1:44:29

So I ended up at like a little prayer meeting at my aunt's house my aunt and uncle's house and we were all kind of talking. You know, we're singing songs. It was very chill. But I got the urge to pray for someone out of the blue and I was like like, okay, that's fine, I'll go do that, okay. So I went in the bathroom and started praying. Bad place to pray, people will not leave you alone because it's a bathroom, so don't do that. People who looked in there. So I I left the bathroom. I was like I give up. And then I was like, no, wait, I need to pray. Like I feel it, I gotta go. So, um, in some houses you have like a living room and then you have a den, so everyone was in like a living room. I was in the den alone. Again, no one's in there, no one even knows I'm in there. Like sometimes I think the Lord like blinds people because they had no idea I was even gone Like in the den by myself.

Speaker 1: 1:45:17

Like you, blinded your dad apparently.

Speaker 2: 1:45:19

Exactly so. I'm in the den, I'm praying, and I'm praying hard Like I. This is one time where, like that prayer was on another level, like I was going to town praying. It was crazy, okay. And I just started praying. Lord, I want to pray in a way that pleases you. What do you think happened?

Speaker 2: 1:45:47

Okay, I started speaking a different language and I was freaked out. I was like, wow, I didn't know you were gonna like do that. Like I I prayed that, but I didn't know you were like gonna take me seriously and do that. And so I started speaking in tongues and I was like, well, like I started like sweating, like I was like, oh, my god, like what is happening, and I I would try and speak in english and I couldn't. And I was like this is it, this is my life, like push again, all right, whatever country this is from. I just kept praying because I was like I don't know what to do now, like I'm stuck, like I'm just stuck here forever. And I, I was freaked out, but I did. I did remember me, like my gosh, this does sound like a language Like oh, my, it's kind of cool. Like I don't know what language it is, but it's got the structure Like I was you know all these things but I kept praying and I prayed like that for like two hours. I didn't even know that it was two hours, but I was praying for like two hours, if not more Straight, just speaking in tongues. I've never done it before. I'm freaked out, but also like, holy crap, like this is kind of cool, like I'll take it like I don't know what to do with this now. Um, and I just kept doing it until, like it, it went off by itself, like I guess I had to settle. I needed to say I was like you can speak in english again. That's cool. It's good to know that I can still do that.

Speaker 2: 1:47:01

Now I speak in tongues again, usually by myself, like I am very much like I keep it private. Yeah, me too. I've never like had felt the need to give like a word or anything Like that's a total to me. That's in a totally different ballpark and I'm not in it. I'm not going to say never. I'm not going to say I never will Watch out now. I'm not in it. I'm not going to say never, I'm not going to say I never will Watch out now. Lord, I didn't say that I just said I haven't Okay, but it really doesn't require you to do a ton of stuff. Like you just need to be open, I guess, to God, and it's like. It's also like I want to stress, like again, I'm not from the Pentecostal circle, but from what I hear, it's like a big emphasis on like you've got to speak in tongues, like that is like your golden ticket.

Speaker 1: 1:47:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:47:47

You don't. I was saved without speaking in tongues, and now I do speak in tongues, but you don't. Now she's super saved. No, no, the ultimate saved above everyone else.

Speaker 2: 1:48:00

Not really, that was a joke, but you don't have to do that to be saved yeah, you don't have to do it to follow god, and so I think a lot of people get stressed out sometimes of like I haven't spoken in tongues, but you spoke in tongues, how did you do it? It's like calm down, it's okay speaking in tongues. I understand why some people want it. I also definitely understand why people are freaked out, because I've been both. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:48:23

So you know you just gotta god's gonna give you the gifts and the talents and the things that you need for your purpose yeah and it's not wrong to like, want to do things, but you don't have to stress about it because you don't speak in tongues doesn't mean you're any less saved. It doesn't mean that god's mad at you. It doesn't mean that you don't have something that everybody has and you know. All that stuff is just if it happens. I would think, based off of my experience, you probably just need to have a you and god moment and just let god work. However, god wants to work because he will move. He will move when you just give up control.

Speaker 1: 1:49:03

Time and time again, that seems to be the common factor across the board is like people that will finally give up that control and just want more of God, and then out of wanting more of God comes deeper things of God.

Speaker 2: 1:49:17

Yes.

Speaker 1: 1:49:18

And it's not. You don't seek after. I think this is where we get confused and why we don't see maybe people be feel like there used to be kind of a big wave is because people they get caught up on seeking after what they can have instead of who they can have. And there's a big difference, but that's one of the shits. So, now, as we wrap up, is there anything else you wanted to add? I think we kind of came up to current right.

Speaker 2: 1:49:41

I feel like we got everything.

Speaker 1: 1:49:43

Yeah, I think we get whatever, yeah so kind of as a sign off, I want you to look into your camera over there, okay? Okay, now what I want you to think of is like I want you to talk to the people for a second, okay, and I want you to ease their mind and encourage them to say something like you didn't have the courage to at one time.

Speaker 2: 1:50:04

Okay, you know what I mean. Yeah, wow Words, okay, okay it will. If you're facing something like I did or something completely different, it's going to be scary and it's not going to be easy and there's going to be a lot to struggle through, and I don't want to lie and paint it up as something. It's not fun, it's not glamorous. Not everybody's story is the same.

Speaker 2: 1:51:00

God put me on a path that had a lot of blessings and there's hard to trust and believe in it. Just hold on, even if there's doubt. That doesn't make your belief any less, you know and speaking out hard, but I promise you what on the, what lies on the other side, will be better than staying in abuse or struggle or grief or anxiety. It's okay to seek out help because God put people on this earth to help us and God wants to help you. So if you're facing something, struggling through something, please find someone, to find someone trustworthy that you can seek out for help, because, like I said, the other side is way better than where you are now, even if now feels familiar.

Speaker 1: 1:52:00

That's what I got thank you so much for coming and sharing today. I want to encourage you, though, like she said, that pivot point of you telling somebody or maybe you feel like you can't, you feel like you're trapped, or you feel like you'll betray the trust of someone who has manipulated you or conditioned you to make it feel like it's your fault. It's not your fault, uh. Tell somebody, I don't care if you gotta walk into a police station and just say this is what happened. Um, you need this, is not your fault.

Speaker 1: 1:52:43

God didn't design you to take this kind of punishment. You need to be brave, have courage, and God will orchestrate like you heard her story in one day, not saying it'll happen like that for you, but God can do it, and there is. You don't feel like you're trapped, there's always a way out. God will provide a way out. Thank you so much for joining another episode of Faith and Failures. Thank you, abby, for coming in and sharing your testimony and your story. You can like, subscribe, share this video with somebody that maybe it will mean something to them and maybe encourage them that there is a way out of maybe the relationship they're in, whatever that looks like, and we will see you next time.